Dec 6, 2010

terribly confused

It's good to be left alone. Secluded from the rest of everything else that make up your surroundings.  You sit quietly in a corner and watch everyone else do their thing.  They all do their part to become a part of the surrounding.  They are just trying to get noticed by someone they may or may not know.  It was never in your mind not to be a part of it but you just wanted to see how helplessly insane they were acting to get attention.  If only for a moment they paused all activities and thought what that attention could actually bring them, they wouldn't mercilessly drown themselves in their pathetic attempt to get noticed.  You just sit there with a faint smile in your face and the best thing is, no one noticed you. After all, you wanted not to be noticed.  It is like having protected yourself from the rest of the world with a shield.  No one knows what is going on inside but can just see a smile on your face occasionaly.  You see the targetted, the kingmakers and the rest who come in one big, godforsaken category for which I cannot find a name.  It doesn't really matter to have a name for a group of people who have no idea where they are getting pulled into.  All the fake, synthetic shit which is plastered around them, dominates them like puppets and they are filled with utmost joy.  Amidst all this, you silently watch to see if there is someone else like you but you just can't find that someone and then you are desparate, you start to rate them on a scale of your own and try to choose the one who tops the list.  But things change.  So do humans.  Life takes turns to screw up your already fucked up system. Nobody craves for that change, but it happens, and for a split second people come to your state of mind and quickly escape the terrible sequence you just got pulled into.  Only then you realize how lucky they got and why you were sitting there in the corner watching them helplessly like an old beggar lady without even a stick.  You then realize you just made up your mind to visualize how people would look in the eyes of the others as being HELPLESS.  Firstly, they wouldn't want to notice you and second, if they did notice, they wouldn't give a shit. You know right? That "what the fuck is he?" look on their face when they see you.  Yeah, you've seen it a lot more times, so you shoot that look right back at their faces like "why the fuck do you care".  You do all the things you wished you could do to them in your head and walk away with a sense of satisfaction as if you actually did it.  Being normal is like being dirty.  Try to be the real you and you are crowned a pyscho shithead.  You only wished your dreams would come true but quickly realize that you dont actually know what you wanted.  The things that seemed so important one moment would vanish into thin air the next second.  You are squeezing time from a virtually hectic schedule to think what you have to actually think about and they have all the time in the world to play, laugh and take life as a gift.  Only now you start to think if you should be ashamed of yourself, or put the word 'fate' for your lines in your forehead.  In the end, all you do is curse, curse, curse and curse with a free set of sad disillusioned eyes that comes along with your special package of life to enhance your cursed and confused soul.(sorry...this had to end on a negative note). Good day.

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