Dec 18, 2011

point blaNK

It was dawn. But he woke up way too early and was scanning for any signs of day light. Finally came the sun.  His throat was dry.  His eyes were not half close, not red and were not tired from sleep.  They were wide open and fresh.  His legs were tired and his back was aching. He wished only one thing for the last four hours.  Why cant I lose my ability to think when I cannot put them in creative mode?  His thinking had helped him for a lot for self destruction.  He was broken down to pieces, looked like a skinny bag of bones and had started behaving erratically.  He quickly got up to take a glass of water.  He was looking through the window of his kitchen at the city skyline slowly shaping in the light of dawn.  He was now staring at that sight with the empty glass in his hand.  He went back to bed and shut his eyes.  Visions of people harassing him, using him, teasing him and not giving a damn about him was randomly flickering through non existing scenes in his mind.  He had developed the art of putting together things in a very bad way.  He decided it was time for him to stop.  If they can do it, he can do it.  He decided it was time to get up and look at what  would happen if he started to become the predator and not the prey anymore.  If he doesn't have any respect for him, who else would.  even if they did, how would he recognize.  His sense of pride vanished long back.  He was proud about who was and that made him happy.  Now he isn't that anymore.  He is who he never wanted to be and who he was laughing at, all this time.  He started writing

"When I am confused, I cause chaos to the people around me
to see if their confusion clears mine but it alarms me.  I kinda enjoy it.
When I feel hurt, I hurt the person responsible to see if they feel the same pain
No matter how much they are hurt, it is never enough.  I still feel hurt.  And I know it is tough
When I am used upon, I am used upon and nothing can stop it except me and I don’t know how to, so I try to enjoy it and again feel hurt.
In the end I have to accept that I am the one whom I was laughing at all this time."

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